Exhaustion
Lately, whenever N. asks me how I am, the answer is always either tired or exhausted. If my energy is a tank, I feel like it’s almost depleted. If the things I love are cakes, I’m sleeping next to them with no energy to reach out and eat them. Even if I manage to put them in my mouth, I can’t swallow, let alone gulp. I barely have time for myself. The activities that feel like “me time” are out of reach. I don’t have the energy to read or discover new music. I bought a skateboard but couldn’t take a skateboarding class. I used to spend nights writing, but now I’m too exhausted, and my brain has stopped producing words that make sense. The words have left my thoughts and fingers. I can’t write a decent sentence. I utter nonsense and delete it. My back and shoulders ache at the end of the day, and all I want to do is lie down and sleep.
Distance
It’s funny how some relationships have become so distant over the years. Once so close, now strangers. We all grow apart, and I know that’s okay. But I have empathy for those who linger over the past. They’re just there wasting their time daydreaming about what once was.
I went back to my hometown after years of being far away, and spent a day walking, discovering, and drinking alone. It felt nostalgic, looking at the city I used to be so familiar with. I spent all my childhood there and had good times, but after being away long enough, there arise this feeling of disconnection and distance.
It was nice having that 5-hour night ride where I was told the deepest, most terrible secrets. I guess I give off a safe-space vibe that makes people want to tell me the worst things that happened to them. The talk was fun, but there was always this gap where I felt they were still living in the past while I had moved on to the present, and maybe, the future. I love how we could talk about things we couldn’t years ago. But I also felt like we had grown in different directions, and the only topic we shared was the past. No matter how deep the conversations were or how many extra hours we tried to hang out, we were just playing out the song “Two Ghosts.”
“We’re not who we used to be
We’re just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me.”
Acceptance
Sooo, happy (late) Pride Month!
It’s time to yap about queerness.
It takes multiple internal battles and some external battles (with my family and friends, omg the supposed-to-be-closest people) to finally be able to partly accept who I am, how I look, and what I do.
Growing up in a small city where being straight was the norm, very few people expressed their queerness, and had crushes on boys, I never really had a doubt and never had to struggle with my sexuality. And then my first relationship with a girl confused me more than ever. Yes, that panic, avoidant, questioning phase was terrible for any youngsters who don’t have a supportive circle. It takes me years to become comfortable with being queer and being not ashamed of who I am (ridiculous right? being ashamed of myself while not doing anything wrong, just having feelings with someone with the same gender).
And what happened in all those years? Multiple questions inside my head. Mixed feelings. Dumb relationship choices. Fights with mom when she said unkind things about gay people. Mustering up the courage to tell her and then got ignored completely like “it was just a phase, let’s wait until it passed”. Broken trust when a close friend told me to “pick only a gender”. Learning how to ignore people’s comments on some non-feminine hair and clothing choices that I really enjoy. Ignorant jokes about gay people from coworkers that of course, ain’t funny at all. Observing queer people get discriminated, abused, bullied, beaten, and even killed. Seeing couples wanting to get married but gay marriage ain’t in the laws.
All those little things help me build up this armor which I think keeps me safe most of the time, but still, can be broken anytime by an unkind thing someone said, an inconsiderate joke, or a mean mock. Buuuut, at the moment, I think I’m comfortable and proud than ever of who I am. It’s truly liberating to finally come to this phase.
That’s why it’s so important for queer people to find that pride in themselves. It’s pride for the battles they have to face their whole life to be able to love and accept themselves, to live within a society where they’re unwelcomed (and in some places, even illegal to exist), to love and be loved while not being protected by the laws (which is basic human rights).
Erm… Too much rambling for the first half of 2024. But it’s been difficult because I’m going through some changes, and I don’t think I have to sugarcoat the struggles ;)
I know I’ve complained about being tired. But I’m taking baby steps on some new paths. Changes, of course, are tiring and uncomfortable. I actually feel quite happy because I’m trying and learning new stuff.
Let’s hope the last half of this year is bright.